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Then this is for you.
Finding out you’re having twins is a huge game changer when it comes to pregnancy, and everyone reacts differently.
After I found out I was growing two I was the farthest thing from happy, or even accepting of it.
I dove into the world of twin mom groups on Facebook to figure out if what I was feeling was “normal”. Turns out, I wasn’t. Or at least there wasn’t anyone confident enough to share that they did feel the same as I did. Every post I read screamed excitement and I felt the complete opposite. Now I am here to tell you that is 100% okay.
I walked into the clinic assuming that the biggest news of the day would be whether I was six or ten weeks along. I felt excited and anxious. And then in a matter of minutes my life took a turn for what felt like the absolute worst. I did not at all expect to see two sacs on the screen. I certainly didn’t expect to start crying so hard that I couldn’t stop shaking. Was this a joke? Is this even possible? How am I gonna to do this? How do I hold them at the same time? Feed them at the same time? What happens when they’re both screaming? How am I of all people going to raise two babies at once?! I felt terrified, upset, confused, and began thinking some very dark thoughts.
I will be honest with you, I did think about terminating the pregnancy at first. Yes, that is horrible for me to say. Especially while as I write this I can hear the two of them babbling in their sleep a few feet away from me. But at the time, I could not shake the option from the back of my mind. I felt crazy for feeling that way because it didn’t seem like anyone else in my situation felt the same. Maybe they were just too afraid to admit it to the world? Who knows. Later in my pregnancy I found that there were others who felt the same way I did at first. Knowing that from the get go would have made what I was going through at that time so much easier.
What made me feel even worse about it all was everyone else being so excited. The first thing I did (other than clean up my face) after the ultrasound was call my best friend. I sent her a picture of the ultrasound and she replied “my heart has never felt as full as it does right now”. I cried to her about how I was feeling and she laughed it off and said “Lynneah, you can do this. If anyone can do this, it’s you”. That statement is something I repeated to myself over and over during the pregnancy. Even more so with them outside of my belly. Afterwards, I called my husband, Chris, and asked him to come to the hospital because I didn’t want to be alone.
When Chris arrived, I lost it all over again. His mind immediately went to- oh god, she lost the baby. And then I pulled the ultrasound picture out of my purse and he started tearing up too. Except his tears were different. A smile quickly grew across his face and he hugged me tight. He started talking about all of the things he was excited for and began planning out hypothetical situations that would probably be our future. Seeing him so enthused about having twins made me feel even worse for the thoughts I was having, because none of them came close to crossing his mind.
I wish I would have found someone who felt like I did early on in pregnancy because I probably wouldn’t have been so hard on myself for feeling the ways I did. Whether you are bursting at the seems with excitement, or feel like the world is playing some sort of cruel joke on you like I did- your feelings are valid. Twin pregnancy is quite the ride, and yes two babies screaming at the same time is hard. But let me tell you, holding the two of them for the first time will make every single doubt in your mind disappear. There is truly nothing like it.